Life, love and everything in between.

Bouncing Back After Heartbreak…

Lately I’ve been feeling a little uninspired and unmotivated and have had a little bit of “writer’s block” I suppose… y’know, it’s the summer holidays, and I’m absolutely loving having a rest (although I’ve spent half of the 6 week break quite ill and unable to enjoy the sunshine, but still…) and because I haven’t been doing very much, I haven’t felt like there’s been much to write about, so I haven’t posted any kinda updates for a while.
Oh by the way, for those interested, I did manage to sort out my implant removal, which will be happening on the 4th September.. *finally*.. and as expected, I’m really excited about it, but feeling lots of mixed emotions too.. a little scared and anxious… not about the removal itself, as I’ve done that twice already.. but more about the next steps and the journey ahead. But that’s a whole other post for a whole other time. Haha.

Today’s post is actually inspired by a few different requests I’ve had recently to talk about relationships. I guess, because I’m quite public about my own relationship, people do come to me and ask my advice on what to do within their relationships. I’m in no way any kinda relationship expert or therapist, but as someone who has had their heart broken a couple of times and has finally found their “happily ever after”, I’ve come through some pretty dark days, and will always be there to try and help anyone through hard times within their lives.

A lovely reader and friend of mine suggested to talk a little about heartbreak, and how best to deal with all the awful thoughts and feelings that come with that, as relationships aren’t always perfect, and as much as it’s lovely to read about a “fairytale romance” such as mine and Sam’s, not everyone is as lucky, and could be going through some tough times. Sometimes it’s nice to read about other’s experiences in that area, especially as my particular story has a very happy ending. It gives people hope that anyone can find happiness after going through awful times. And that’s very true.
However, it’s important to underline the fact that as much as I welcome anyone to read my blog and hope that they can relate to my thoughts and feelings in all kinds of ways, it is still ultimately my online diary, and something that I want to look back on in the future, to remember what was going on in my life and how I felt at that time.
I don’t feel like I could talk about heartbreak in general without talking about personal experiences, that quite frankly, really don’t matter any more, and out of respect for Sam, and also my previous partners, I won’t be speaking about my past experiences of heartbreak.
I’ve already dealt with that time in my life, and it was pretty awful, not gonna lie… but I don’t really feel like it’s neccessary to go into the in’s and out’s of what I went through for two main reasons.
1. It’s over.
2. I’m now happy.
All that anyone needs to know, is that my life hasn’t always been rainbows and roses, I went through some really dark times and I worked really, really hard on myself for a long time to build myself back up and into a strong, independent woman.
And that’s what I wanna talk about.

How do you do that?
Pfffft. Gosh, if only I knew… I can’t say all the “Bridget Jones” stereotypes of sitting there crying into a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream worked for me.. all I got from that was feeling very sick and had to buy bigger sized jeans… but what did work for me was remembering three things.

1. Give yourself time.
You’re hurting. You’re confused. Everything you once knew is gone, and whatever plan you had for your life is now in tatters. BUT THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. It won’t feel it for a long time, but it’s okay not to have all the answers straight away. It’s cliche I know, but time really is a great healer, and you’ll learn that all the things you’re “missing”… all they really are, are habits. You’ll look at the calendar and remember certain dates.. birthdays, anniversaries and such, and yeah sure, for a while it’ll hurt. I wouldn’t say you ever really forget specific dates, but within time, the dates come and go and you become less affected by it. Distraction is key.. you’ve just gotta keep yourself busy and remember that whatever happened, happened because it needed to happen, and that you’re just being redirected to something even better. For me personally, I threw myself into work and study.. I literally wanted to learn everything I could in order to make myself a better person.

2. Learn to love yourself before you let anyone love you.
Connecting with giving yourself time, is learning to love yourself first. You’ve just had a huge life change, and people deal with that differently.. some people choose to change their image – trying a different hair cut or colour, or perhaps making bigger changes within their life. …Me, I did it all. Haha!
The biggest change was probably moving out. I moved into my own flat and I actually became quite excited about re-building my own life, and making things happen how I wanted them to.. not for anyone else, but for myself. It’s all about finding yourself… and I think it’s so important to give yourself some time and space to do that before you let anyone else come in and make another mark on your life. Set yourself goals, do things that YOU wanna do and work out how you want your life to look before you begin to think about the idea of bringing someone else into the mix.

3. Positive thoughts.
You wanna be over it? Act like you already are. I’m not talking about getting dressed up, going out on the pull or anything like that… but more changing your mindset. The biggest way to gain confidence is to believe you already have the confidence. Lots of people go through psychological struggles when they’re going through a break-up, and I know it’s very easy to say, but a lot of it is a state of mind. Honestly, the power of positive thinking does wonders for psychological wellbeing and self esteem issues. In the early days, you’ll probably feel like it’s never gonna get better, you’ll never find love again and that your world has ended. And that’s fine. It’s very normal to feel like that for a while. You’ll go through lots of emotions… guilt, blame, anger, bitterness, jealousy.. allsorts. But then you’ll become strong. And that’s the one you need to run with. Some people use their anger, bitterness and the negative emotions to become stronger, other people let go of all of those emotions and are just left feeling peace, which makes them stronger.. it’ll depend on who you are as a person, I guess.
But once you feel that, your confidence will grow, you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted and you’ll be left feeling… free. πŸ™‚ There’s really no feeling like it.

And then… if you’re anything like me, you’ll be smack bang in the middle of your own little bubble, living life exactly how you want to, and then you’ll be hit by something so strong that you won’t be able to have any control over. But you can’t force it.. that kinda thing just happens when it’s ready. It could be in the comfort of an exsiting friend, a blind date or someone you literally bump into at the supermarket. (Which is the reason I always tell girls to keep a mirror and a lipstick in their handbag. You never know when you’re gonna meet the love of your life. πŸ˜‰ Always be prepared!)

So.. yeah. If you’re going through a break-up, or any kinda hard time within your life, never feel like you’ve gotta go through it alone. Talking it out helps so much.. my poor mum listened to me talk it out over and over again for a really long time, but it did help, and things got so much better. So, whether it’s your mum, a mate, a work colleague.. whoever you’re close to, chew their ear off for as long as they let you. lol.

And that leads me on to something else that another friend of mine suggested for me to write about – the things that led me to appreciating a good partner, and knowing your worth.
Again, it’s a subject that’s very difficult to talk about without giving details, but.. Sam and I have both been through some pretty dark times in our previous relationships and we’ve learned a lot from them. We all learn from our mistakes *and other people’s mistakes…*I’ve gone through my life watching others and looking at how their decisions have influenced their lives, and I’ve taken note from mistakes I’ve made, and mistakes I’ve watched other people make and I’ve built my own opinions, principles and morals based on that, which have made me who I am today. I think when you’ve spent a long time being unhappy, for whatever reason, it really makes you appreciate it when you’ve got something good.. and you wanna celebrate that.
One of the reasons why I document our life and our memories the way I do, is because I wanna remember the little things. It’s the little things that people do for each other that mean the most, but often get forgotten. I often sit there scrolling through my Instagram and laugh to myself when I see a post from a certain date just saying something silly about what we did that day or whatever.. but I wouldn’t remember it in detail any other way. One day when we’re grey and old and I might have lost half of my marbles, I still wanna be able to scroll through a million photos of those silly little things we did for each other, knowing that we were so happy together every single day.
Before we found each other, our lives weren’t always anywhere near as happy as they are now. Now that we have our own little life together with all our hopes and dreams for our future, that’s something pretty damn special, and it’s the things we’ve been through previously that have made us appreciate each other the way we do.
Me working nights for so long had a lot to do with why our relationship is the way it is, I think. It was so difficult.. there were times when we didn’t see each other for days on end (bearing in mind, we live together) and that’s when we promised that we would never take each other for granted and that our time together was precious and shouldn’t be wasted. So, we made the effort to do nice things for each other, had date nights each week and always made each other a priority. I worked nights for two years… I don’t any more, but our relationship values remain the same. We still have date nights every week and we still make each other a priority. It’s all about effort, and I always say that the honeymoon stage is a state of mind. It’ll only fade if you want it to.
I think knowing your worth again goes back to how you felt when you were going through the motions of your break-up… you make yourself promises like “I’ll never let myself get hurt again” “Next time I’ll know..” and things like that. And again, that’s great.. you need to do that. But instead of forever living so defensively and listing all the things you don’t want from a relationship, spin it around and list all the things you do want. Be that the morals and principles of a good relationship, or promises you make to each other. Begin a relationship building a baseline including all these things that you want from your relationship, so that it becomes normality. I can’t imagine our relationship being any other way. That being said, just because it’s “normal” to us doesn’t mean we take it for granted in any way at all… it’s just the way we’ve built it to be. The effort never slips because we don’t allow it to. For as long as you make each other a priority, and ensure you’re meeting the needs and wishes of each other, your relationship will grow and thrive and you’ll hopefully be really happy.

I feel like this post kinda went off on a couple of tangents here and there, but it’s very difficult to talk so openly about things without revealing details that you’d rather keep private, so apologies if it’s been a bit rambly, but you get the idea.
Never give up on finding your happily ever after, be that in the comfort of a partner, a job, family, friends or on your own.
Don’t waste your time with negative feelings and emotions… hard times don’t last forever. Try to shape your life how you want it, spend time with loved ones and chuck out anything that doesn’t make you happy.
Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, and never settle for anything less than your own standards of happiness.

I really hope something I’ve written today has made someone, somewhere smile.
The sun’s shining, and it’s a beautiful day. That’s enough of a reason to smile. <3

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2 Comments

  1. Richard 21st August 2018

    Penny, Thank you for sharing your story. Glad you’re feeling better. Something powerful happens when we embrace vulnerability. Love your willingness to be honest and open. Keep being you sis.

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